Come in Alone, Go out Alone

GrammyandMe2

“I’ve been alone way too long now. It’s been fourteen years without your grandfather and I never wanted that. I always wanted to be the first to go. I never wanted to be left behind to sit here alone like this all of these years”, my grandmother said to me one evening while sitting in her private den.

My heart ached for her. I heard the pain in her voice and saw it in her eyes. I miss my grandfather terribly, too. He was, is such an amazing man. I have never met a man more eloquent, graceful, wise, intelligent and generous. No, I have not. Of course she missed him.

I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live with someone for so many years, sleep beside one another every night, waking up to the same, consistent rhythm each day with dinner at 5 and absolutely no delay. They did this for over sixty years.

That was how I grew up. This was my home base that was consistent and full of unconditional love. My grandfather and my grandmother cultivated the person that I am. I am so grateful. They are, both, very loving and wise beings. Bless them. May they rest in peace and enjoy heaven.

The story of my grandparents as my caretakers is a classic 5/1 Profile story. There are probably many 5/1 Profile people who can relate to this kind of childhood experience.

At fifteen, a shift occurred in my being. Everything started to change for me. I suddenly took a radically different path than the vision that my grandparents held for me in their minds. It was about that time when I felt the “5/1 Profile drop” that happens with a 5/1 child. I knew I was not going in the direction that they hoped for and wanted. My grandfather wanted me to be a lawyer. That was nowhere near my idea of what I wanted to be. My grandmother wanted me to marry a rich man and become a housewife, just like her. When I failed to meet their expectations, the support for my pursuits began to wane and so did their value of me.

Eventually, in the early nineties, I opened a Goddess Shop where I taught meditation and workshops about the charkas. As my psychic powers increased, people started coming for healings.

One day, my grandmother rang my phone.

“Goddess Shop”, I answered as I happily bustled around in my store.

“What? Is this you? What do you mean? I am confused. I don’t understand what you are doing?”

You have to understand that my grandmother was a devout Christian. Good Christians have a hard time with the word “Goddess”. In their eyes, it is sacrilegious. It is blasphemy.

To me it is the truth.

Even though we stayed close and in contact, our relationship was never the same again. I had “fallen” in her eyes as she became utterly terrified with who I was becoming. Very often, this is what happens as a 5/1 child matures into an adult, they experience what Ra Uru Hu referred to as the “5/1 Profile drop”.

Today, while mopping the floor and reflecting on the above conversation with my grandmother, I remembered her one wish that I would not be alone in life. It was her worst fear that probably kept her alive for so long, into her nineties.

I sat down on the couch. I chuckled a little under my breath with a heavy heart, missing her.

I have been alone for more than 53 years.

I don’t think that there is any other Profile that knows aloneness like the 5/1 does.

We are designed for it.

In my reading with Ra Uru Hu, who is also a 5/1, shared with me: “You have a 5/1 profile, that means no one is ever going to, I mean no one is ever going to know you. You just don’t get to know a 5/1. I know it really well, I’m a 5/1 myself.”

He continues:

“The moment that you came into the world and the moment that your parents laid eyes on you is the moment the projections began. You are going to be a terrific baby a terrific child and every time that you weren’t, their projection, their value of you began to diminish. And of course you take that in, and you sense that.

Your personal life, …….no “other” is ever going to know you and you have to let go of that. You have to let go that there is an intimacy that is not possible for you, in which the other is going to truly have the essence of who you are. Its not true, they wont.”

I have listened to this reading with Ra Uru Hu many times over. That part never really sunk in or registered in my mind until the passing of my grandmother.

We come in alone and we go out alone.

Nobody knows that better than a 5/1 Profile being. 

 

 

 

kashi stone 2015