Float dont struggle

I have been quiet.

I have been in deep observation for the past few months. When I go there, it is difficult for me to articulate what I am feeling, thinking and observing. So, there are periods within my cycle and within my emotional wave that dictate the quiet moments.

In this place, now, I am finding my mind blown, the shell cracked – a little more and knowing less than I ever have before

It’s a funny place to sit in a strange, new kind of place I call “nothingness”.

I remember wandering around as a young woman of the forest, wild with nature. I had given away everything I owned, all my possessions. Everything I loved was either taken from me or I gave it away. I tried so desperately to get to this place of “nothingness”, empty, open, broken and ready to become whole. This place that great poets write about, wise eastern sages teach about. I was on a quest to discover and know intimately, this elusive, strange mystical state of “nothingness”. It was as if I had no choice.

Once I had managed to get down to a few books, a computer, a small craft box, a few seashells, crystals and a nice bunch of feathers.

I tried so hard to get to nothingness that one day I ran naked through the forest, tearing off my clothing, crying and shouting out to the gods, begging for an answer to my seeking. My two dogs ran on either side of me frolicking through the trees and over the hills; they were having a great time, I was having a major crisis that day in the forest.

Finally, we come to a mountain stream and I lay my body down on a large boulder in the middle of the stream. With my cheeks wet and eyes swollen from tears, I look down into the frothing water bubbling below me.

In that moment, I felt as though I could actually grasp “god”, in the bubbling foam dancing on top of the water, rushing between the river rocks sending mist into my face.

“What more do you want from me?” I ask, as I lay naked across the boulder peering into the foam where “god” lived.

“Give ALL that you have to me”, the voice replies back.

There was no doubt in my mind in that moment that I had heard” god”. I lay on the large boulder, jaw dropped, mind shocked and feeling as though I had just received a righteous, divine message.

I was convinced that I could get to “nothing” somehow.

I stood up and headed back through the hills and the trees, picking up my clothing that I had torn off and had thrown aside while running through the mountains on my way to the river.

I got back into my jeep and sat for a moment. “I know what I’ll do, I’ll take the rest of what I own and give it to an orphanage”, I say to myself. And with a smug smile and enthusiasm under my wings and enough gas in my tank, off I went to search for an orphanage.

I made my way into town and drove up and down several of the main streets. At that time we did not have cell phones or GPS devices so I had to rely completely on my intuition or instincts, which did not lead me anywhere near an orphanage but down almost every street in town.

Growing tired from the fruitless journey I decided to head north in search of another beneficiary for the last of my things.

I finally arrive up north at a favorite community that sits on top of the mountain in the forest. I shared my “nothing” story with my friends on the mountaintop and with joy in my heart I gave every last crystal, seashell, book and feather that I had.

I gave everything away but my two dogs, a few dresses and my jeep.
(excerpt from my autobiography)

I was so pleased with myself that I had made it to “nothingness”.


This getting to nothingness was obviously terribly contrived and a very dramatic act to find relief from my frustration in my pursuit. I look back at myself now and truly feel embarrassed. Thank heavens I can laugh about it. But it was an important moment for me and I will never forget it.

Here I am now. I am quiet and in observation. It’s almost like nothing. And I think I may be getting a glimmer of what this state of “nothingness” is that these wise sages from ancient times speak of.

I have this sense deep inside of me that if I make any move to plan anything, it is an incredible waste of energy, money and time. If I just sit right where I am or busy myself with my favorite things (like writing to you or working on my book) then everything just happens.

It’s weird.

And it kinda feels like “nothingness” because you don’t have to do anything, it just all happens right before you.

Now, I don’t mean that I just sit and do nothing. I do something constantly. I love creating, cooking, writing, gardening, music, painting, reading, walking, the list goes on; but I stop trying to make something happen; I stop pushing against walls, limitations, resistance and blocks and just let go, allow. Then, I watch and see what happens. I don’t pay that much attention though while I’m waiting. I am deeply immersed in doing what I love. It is pure bliss if I don’t give way to my mind and the fears that can come out of lack of trust in allowing life to bring me what I need.

I have lots of great ideas but I don’t act on them, very much at all. I think about something, get excited and just kinda giggle and then turn back to the present. When I have an idea and rush to act on it, I usually meet disaster or embarrassment and I definitely lose money.

Even today before I sat to write, I watched my mind try and strategize an outcome for me and thank heavens I caught it before anything was set in motion by a phone call or an email, or a spoken word, initiating. I just stopped my mind and went into the next moment of things to do that I enjoy. And somehow, in a strange way, things just unfold smoothly for me when I do that. Anything I was feeling anxious about gets resolved within time, the perfect time every time. I’m amazed.

This “waiting to see what happens” works marvelous with my Emotional Authority; I just keep telling people: “no, “not now”, “I’ll let you know later” or “I have no idea right now” (that is my favorite one). And wow, I get to just sit back and watch the show. I don’t have to think about a thing unless I feel like it; I don’t have to make anything happen, it really is just about going for a ride, this life.

I have this little game I play with myself and with friends. If a friend is visiting and they ask, “What shall we do today?” I smile and say, “Let’s just see who rings the phone” and we wait to see who will ring our phone. But while we are waiting, we are busy having fun doing what we love: talking, sharing, laughing, cooking, gardening, it could be anything that has made us almost forget that we are waiting for the phone to ring. I see that as a state of “nothingness”.

It gets weirder though. Its not like you are sitting there with a smile on your face and feeling sublime in the nothingness doing something; the nothingness becomes this strange state of “do nothing to make something happen”. It’s like you can see, you know, you laugh, any movement is futile, absolutely futile and what is meant to be, will come and as long as you are relaxed doing what you enjoy and not mind fucking, life carries you. It really does.

If you just wait and do what you love while you are waiting, you will observe and see that there is a precise moment that comes when you think you are going to lose it. You can’t take the waiting any longer. Your mind takes over in hyper drive and you begin to strategize, plan and make things happen.

But if you stop your mind, don’t initiate and come back to stillness, to presence and wait some more…….you will find the golden opportunity just comes. It is very weird but true.

I have watched over and over how it comes just at the nick of time, just as I am about to lose it and initiate something to happen because I cannot stand the pressure, the golden nugget arrives at my doorstep, email or phone, somehow. And the golden nugget is never, never what I think it is going to be. It is always a pleasant surprise if I hold out and wait, long enough for life to come to me.

“Nothingness”, feels smooth and soft, it just glides and life just happens.

And that feels good.

It is like a magic carpet ride just floating along, watching the movie of everyone around you and laughing at it all, even the silliness of one’s own mind, feeling the dips of melancholy, moments of deep reflection and the pain of growth; the thrills that come with excitement and good news. We are just going along for the ride.

We have no choice but to ride, we might as well take the back seat, enjoy it and just let life carry us along to that heavenly state of “nothingness”.

NOTHINGNESS by Alan Watts…
“When I consider the weirdest of all things I can think of, do you know what it is? Nothing. The whole idea of nothing is something that has bugged people for centuries, especially in the Western world. We have a saying in Latin, Ex nihilo nihil fit, which means, “Out of nothing comes nothing.” In other words, you can’t get something out of nothing. It’s occurred to me that this is a fallacy of tremendous proportions. It lies at the root of all our common sense, not only in the West, but in many parts of the East as well. It manifests as a kind of terror of nothing, a putdown on nothing, a putdown on everything associated with nothing such as sleep, passivity, rest, and even the feminine principle which is often equated with the negative principle (although women’s lib people don’t like that kind of thing, when they understand what I’m saying I don’t think they’ll object). To me, nothing—the negative, the empty—is exceedingly powerful. I would say, not Ex nihilo nihil fit, but, “You can’t have something without nothing.”……From the blog, The Words of A Mystic


Kashi Stone 2014