I asked a dear friend the other day how she was doing in her two year relationship. They had been on a rocky road for quite some time and I witnessed many tears, frustration and passionate emotion.
“We are doing great! We decided that this is what we want and we have both relaxed into our relationship. We are enjoying it”, she replied with a smile. It was nice to see her smile and be content.
“It’s kind of eerie though to be so relaxed with someone and not have that crazy, dramatic emotional charge that we use to have”, she added.
I softly chuckled. I knew what she was talking about. We can become so addicted to that emotional charge that comes easily in romantic relating. When the charge is gone, everything goes quiet and a little flat. Some people can get bored easily when things quiet down.
Sitting with a friend the other day, out of the blue he spoke out to me, “I wish I had somebody to love”.
“Why do you say that?” I asked a little startled by his comment that broke a moment of silence.
“Because I feel lonely and I want to love someone”, he replied.
There was this forlorn look on his face. His energy felt sad for a moment.
He must have told me at least ten times on that day that he was so very glad that I was there and that he had been feeling lonely. He has a very open Spleen; I am very defined in my Spleen. He loves my aura but he doesn’t know it, consciously. And no wonder he is lonely. I hear this from many open Spleen people.
He also mentioned at least three or four times while I was helping him in the garden that he really wanted to settle down, get married and have children. He has the gate 40, defined off of his open Will Center.
In this position his chemistry is reaching for gate 37 on the defined Emotional Center. This creates a pressure in his chemistry. Here, in this pressure, there is fear of marriage. He is in his mid-forties and has never been married. He also mentioned that he is unable to tie down a girl.
I watch this fear and the obsessive mental tapes play in his mind and drain his energy. I watch it take away his creativity and dampen his productivity, creating depression. He has no creative focus in life because of the mental tapes that play and play, over and over in his mind.
If only he knew that it was the mental tapes and pressure in his chemistry that were creating his frustration with love and with life. Then, he would understand why he feels the way he does and thinks the way he does.
Just knowing what our mind and Emotional Body have a tendency to do with our open Centers and what kind of pressures that are there in our chemistry, pushing us to do things, connect with certain people or avoid intimacy, aids tremendously in our process of becoming more aware. It also helps us to learn to be a little easier on our selves.
I went to visit a girlfriend one afternoon. As we sat and shared, she got very quiet for a moment and then turned to me and said, “What I really want is to get married, settled down and have children. That is all I want.”
She is emotionally defined and has the gate 19 reaching for her open gate 49. These two gates make up the Channel of Synthesis, commonly referred to as the “Marriage Channel”.
Her mind is taking the pressure from the openness around the Emotional Body and together, the two are creating a story in her mind. That story has probably played out most of her life. Those quirky pressures in our system tend to dominate our lives.
She is going to be searching for the one who can provide for her needs, offer a stable environment where she can settle down and play wife and mother.
If she was conscious of this pressure, she could manage the mental tapes that come up from that place of openness and not allow it drive her mental process. She could actually sink into her chemistry and use her natural skills and talents that she has brought with her in this lifetime. But she is too busy playing the mental tape over and over, looking for the man who can provide the reality that she thinks she is craving.
Her open Spleen holds onto a relationship that is really inappropriate for her. And it holds onto the job, which continuously loses money. And the home that she has bought is isolating, way out in the country, down a dirt road, far away from people.
“I need to be around more people”, she tells me as we are sitting together, sharing.
Yes, she is Split Definition. When they spend time out and about, socially, they get hooked up and feel complete. This is very healthy and correct for them. To isolate yourself when you are Split Definition is a bad move. The only person that hooks her up and completes her is her lover.
Unfortunately, she is isolated with someone who is not compatible for her and experiencing her wholeness through him. No wonder she is often miserable, losing money and not happy with where she lives.
This is what happens when our openness drives our life. We end up in the wrong place because our mind reasoned it to fit the dream. Like the house did for the girl above when she made the decision to buy it.
We stay in relationships that are not healthy because we are afraid of being alone.
The other day, I was sitting with a co-worker. He was telling me about his amazing girlfriend. He began to share some of the subtle complications in their togetherness. As I listened, I could sense that his girlfriend was emotional. There are obvious patterns that come up with every couple that are in a partnership with the combination of emotional and non-emotionally defined. As he shared, this dynamic began brewing underneath all of his stories.
I could see that he was actually surfing her emotional wave too. He became passionate about things that had actually nothing to do with him, at all. He was living her drama. It was obvious that he was imprinted with her emotional chemistry as he expressed himself. He was a little overbearing in his energy, which was an obvious magnification of her and it was very unnatural for him. It felt really odd to experience him in this distortion. But this is what happens to people and its theater in itself.
This wonderful, young man was losing lots of money as he was trying desperately to show up for her and solve all of her problems.
He has an undefined Will. They have a tendency to spend a lot of their money on the “other” so that they feel loved, secure in their bond and seem as though they are “showing up”. If they have an open Emotional Center, they are going to tend to do this even more as a way to avoid conflicts with the emotionally or ego defined person.
He was so deeply engrossed in her reality that while he worked he kept his phone in his hand, his headphones on, and continued to text. Occasionally, he would call her too. She was really going through it and needed him. The guy really didn’t have a chance to do his job. She was taking all of his energy, time, focus and love; whatever she could get.
“Dude, do you really want this job?” I asked him one day curious if his heart was sincerely into the work.
“Of course I do”, he responded with a serious tone and then promptly bent his head, went back into his phone and continued texting.
“Oh my”, I whispered under my breath.
His work demonstrated his dedication. Everybody mentioned something about his distraction and how sloppy his work had been. He almost lost his job. Fortunately, he talked his way into staying and things improved. I’m glad, because I really like him.
But it brings down the quality of the whole project when someone is not really interested in the work and it leaves a big mess behind. Everyone has to work harder when someone is distracted and deep in an emotional, love break-down. The workload doubles when others have to clean up the trail left behind from a distracted mind that is “in love” and tortured in the moment.
Recently, one of our teammates disappeared suddenly to catch a flight back to the east coast. Nobody really understood what was going on, why he left and there were no clues remaining behind. I listened to each of us try to understand and make sense of what happened and why this guy left so suddenly.
“His mind was so discombobulated”, I heard one guy say.
“Ya, he had this funny look on his face a lot of the time”, another one said.
“He hardly ate anything”, I chimed in.
A week later we received a phone call from him informing us that he and his girlfriend were breaking up. He apologized for leaving so suddenly.
What was happening in his life was so traumatic that he had to respond to the crisis immediately and absolutely had to leave without notice. He hoped that he had not lost his job, permanently.
He lost his job, spent money on a plane ticket, lost hours of work and left behind a trail of things unfinished here.
He had also just purchased a house with his girl.
He has a big mess to deal with now.
2015 Kashi Rachel Stone